Sharks Recap
Reminiscent of social unrest in North Africa, the winning spirit swiftly spread through the well stocked Big D sidelines in their 15 – 6 victory over the rival Dallas Sharks at Like Highlands Park last Sunday in Dallas. The revamped Big D squad looked to reverse last season’s early setbacks, leaning heavily on the team’s tradition of a rigorous preparation schedule into the late hours of the prior evening’s events. Through withering competition, the Team’s Lazarus/Offensive MVP award goes to midfielder Alan “D5-LR (KCl)” Eberstein, who battled both hypovolemia and opposing midfielders to pace the squad in the scorebook with 4 goals and 2 assists. “There was a rumor going around that the other team has a problem with private schools. We’ll I guess they’ve REALLY got a problem with private schools now,” Eberstein noted. Straying from the marshy, coastal and occasionally brackish estuaries of the Caribbean Sea, Amazon Basin and West Africa, Ken “Trichechus Manatus” Howell added yet another page to his growing list of career accolades with two goals. Displaying not only extraordinary athleticism, but also resistance to boat strikes, Howell carved through the defense, inspiring the team’s play in the second half. Howell commented “I’m not at risk for endogenous predation; you get me lefty on the crease in a fast break situation? Game over.” Upset at having been passed over in the Lazarus Award voting, first year midfielder Max “The modern day Joe Buck” Bartig left his mark on the match with 2 points on a goal and an assist. “Forget about Big East lacrosse, Texas post-collegiate men’s club is where the real players go to test themselves,” said Bartig. “Today I tried to throw the goalie off with some stick side high noise… but he was all over it. I’ll have to make some adjustments, but next time I’ll be ready.” Other notable performances came from Keith “Crazy Legs” Hulen and Andrew “Tour de Franzia” Kohl. “Usually, I’d spend my Sunday photo-shopping me and Tim Tebow into non-work-friendly pictures, then putting them on the internet, but today was different,” mentioned Hulen. “In honor of my comeback, I’ve invented the GB assist… that’s where you help someone else get a ground ball. I had two of those today.” Conversely the normally subdued Kohl arrived at the game fresh on the heels of less strenuous athletic affairs. Covered in permanent marker from head to toe, Kohl offered the following. “These are my triathlon race numbers… from my triathlon… I know I ran 35 miles this morning, but the numbers are too tough to wash off. I tried wearing the Robocop kneebrace from my snowboarding accident (Park City) to distract people, but I guess it didn’t work… did I mention I ran a triathlon this morning?” In the loss, one long-time Sharks player revealed the following. “In addition to my wicked sweet custom helmet, I keep a diary of my career performance. When we win and I have a good game, I put two smiley faces next to the game. When we lose and I have a good game, I put one smiley face next to the game. When we lose and I have a bad game, I rip the page out and pretend that the game never happened. Today was a one smiley face day.” Big D looks to continue this season’s success after a long break on a Houston road trip next month.
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