Fall Update
Oct. 20, 2010 Gentlemen,
As I sat here predicting the future through good ole' fashioned chicken bone reading, I was struck with the significance of the approaching season. Last year, we emerged as league champs in the face of numerous obstacles... including, but certainly not limited to; injuries, deficiencies in the marital bed (our own and others), the acts of unscrupulous agents and handlers and at least one flashback from some bad acid I took at a Lenny Kravitz concert in 1998. Nonetheless, we were victorious and should be committed to repeating the success of late last season while avoiding the missteps of our first few games. Might I suggest:
1) Avoid jogging. Jogging is extremely gay and can lead to mysterious repetitive stress injuries. If anyone is unconvinced of the negative aspects of jogging, please take a long look at the Manicorn... tragic.
2) Start drinking. So as to create a condition whereby hangovers are a higher brain state and not simply a reason to skip church.
3) Avoid snowboarding. Mathematically snowboarding can be expressed in the following equation: Snowboarding = Gay. It also rates a AA+ on the classic Martindale "How to let everyone know that you had money growing up but were too interested in looking cool to actually learn how to ski" scale.
4) Strengthen your hamstrings. Missing games due to hamstring injuries is like taking a fat chick to senior prom and banging her. It's a slightly better excuse than just not showing up, but the recovery period is extensive with the effects often irreversible.
I think this should get us started and keep the sidelines robust.
Sincerely,
Lo Pan
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