Bringing Home The Cup
I hear the Sudan is nice this time of year Fighting the effects of triple digit temperatures with the vigor of a plush, sexually ambiguous World Cup mascot, the men of Big D Lacrosse Club defeated long time rival Austin Lacrosse Club by a score of 10 – 7 in the second of two semifinal games in the Texas Club Lacrosse Championships last Saturday in Houston. Veteran attackman and south Texas native, David “Kobayashi” Burgoyne captured the team’s rationale for playing in such challenging conditions. “You tell me… Hey Dave, We’re gonna go outside, in Texas, in June and there’s pretty good chance that something will melt off of you. Are you in? The answer is (expletive) yes, it’s lacrosse. Of course I’m in!” Offensively, the team was lead by first year attackman and aspiring fitness guru, Matt “Who talked me into this” O’Connell, who contributed two goals on the day. “He’s got more swim moves than Mike Phelps”, remarked one fan. “He makes playing look so easy and breathing look so hard”, noted another spicy, 40-something mother of three. Other offensive firepower came from the sticks of first year attackmen Rhett “I should probably be sweating, but I’m not” Miller and Ridge “500 calf raises a day” Flick who combined for 5 goals. Flick, who bounced a team high three shots off the goal posts quipped, “I hit more pipes than a DC mayor today, but I kept shooting. You miss every shot you don’t take… that’s written on my favorite shirt.” To complement the Team’s offensive fireworks, the defense delivered a gritty performance in spite of the notable absence of 5 of the 8 defensemen who originally committed to the trip. As always, veteran goalie Craig “Fancy Pants” Thomas brought his “A” game and was quick to put a bright spin on the situation. “Sometimes I get stressed about adversity, then four or five seconds later, I remember that I graduated from Harvard.” After downing the defending champs, Big D looks to capture the cup against Houston PBR on Sunday. No, let’s walk down the hill and (expletive) them all… Continuing a pattern of questionable decision making, the Men of Big D looked to make their mark on the Houston social scene at the player’s party on Saturday night. After violating the sanctity of a family seafood restaurant, the team descended on Sawyer Park for a fun filled evening of revelry. Veteran defenseman Jared “The Apocalypse” Venia was impressed with the venue explaining, “This place is exactly like my favorite bar back in Detroit. The only difference is that this place has a roof and the women don’t have hairy backs.” Rookie defenseman Heath “Pachycephalsaurus” Townsend inspired the Team, bringing the same intensity to the evening’s festivities that he brings to the field of play. Veteran bard and team career head-butt record holder Sam “Damnit, I forgot my Ed Hardy t-shirt” Woolford was impressed with Townsend’s zeal. “He’s got all the potential in the world, with a little work on his focus, he could be the best. You can’t just roll into a foreign dojo looking to score some nice-nice and sprinkle in a few head-butts in for flavor… it’s a commitment.” Among the many highpoints of the evening, Rookie midfielder Todd “The Todd” Helman put on a display of dance that would have made even the most dedicated Jersey Shore fan bask in shame. The ladies in attendance were undoubted moved by Helman’s performance. “He’s the third sexiest guy I’ve ever seen behind Edward and Jacob” noted one co-ed in attendance. To his credit, “The Todd” continues to hone his craft. “I’ve wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer since I was a kid. Hey Soul Train, I’m ready to take my moneymaker to the big leagues!”, mused Helman. Rookie midfielder and accomplished ventriloquist Anthony “The Closer” Hidell would do the most to add to the Team’s growing list of accolades as he wooed a personal shopper from The Woodlands. “She’s cute… well, I mean cute enough. I opened with some championship game chit-chat, then I let her talk about herself and closed the deal with some Gossip Girl trivia. She never had a chance.” The Team headed home early and well hydrated to prepare for Sunday’s Championship Game. Wait a second, this doesn’t smell like Napalm at all Battling sweltering heat and the effects of a 3 a.m. fast food run, the Men of Big D Lacrosse brought all the pieces together in defeating Houston PBR 12 – 2 for the Team’s first Championship since 2006. “My stomach feels like Paul Walker’s career right now, I wish I was back in Detroit”, noted one anonymous Big D player. Despite the Team’s troubles with elevated temperature and decreased liver function, the day would be theirs as evidenced by the largest margin of victory all season. Perhaps no player contributed to the victory more than rookie face-off specialist Seth “The Hedgehog” Rattner, who would close the game without a loss in the faceoff X. Veteran attackman and accomplished ballroom dancer Ken “The Manatee” Howell captured the moment. “The Hedgehog is more than statistics, he’s a roustabout, a gambler, a face-off shark with the hands of an asian blackjack dealer and the guts of a Hollywood stuntman. I was just glad to be on the field with him today.” As he has all season, rookie midfielder and Canadian history buff, Scott “Duct tape and toilet paper” Knepper filled up the scorer’s book with a dazzling array of offensive moves. “If Scott’s game was a mullet, it would be Jaromir Jagr’s” noted one unnamed league executive. “He’s so bad he could make medicine sick.” Big D’s veterans also came to play with workman-like performances from midfielder Keith “Crazy Legs” Hulen and Chip “The Incident” Heimenz. Rookie midielder Rhett “We aren’t in New Hampshire anymore” Miller watched the game as a result of a contract dispute and offered the following comments on the veterans. “Keith’s never say die attitude is an inspiration to all players of his age and Chip… wow, Chip played with some fire. Though I’m legally forbidden from sharing the details of Chip’s past, I will say that he beat those attackman like they owed him money.” MVP accolades belong to veteran goalie Craig “Fancy Pants” Thomas who announced his retirement in a tearful postgame news conference. Thomas, who stopped everything from doorstep quick sticks to sarcastic Ivy League comments, summed up his career. “Today is the pinnacle, just like Slippery When Wet for Bon Jovi, and though I’ll deny all Big D involvement in the future, I’ll forever remember both the experiences and retroviruses that I’ve been exposed to over the years.” The Team wishes to extend congratulations and thanks for all who participated and looks to compete for another championship in 2011.
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