Two-Fer
Now we know what a buffet feels like… In a performance eerily reminiscent of Def Leppard’s 1987 release Hysteria (the critically panned, yet commercially successful follow up to their 1984 release Pyromania); the Men of Big D Lacrosse Club completed a successful weekend home stand with a 10-8 victory over perennial rival Austin Lacrosse Club. Offensively, Big D was paced by Ken “Augustus Gloop” Howell whose precision shooting netted 3 goals including the final tally putting the game away with seconds remaining. When asked about Big D’s beefed up offensive presence, Howell responded “Medium rare… oh, wait… the game, right… I just try to get from point A to point B and make some plays”. Howell continued, “In these critical games, it’s important to have role players… you need offense, I’ll finish lefty on fast breaks… you need a blistering ride, I’ll finish lefty on fast breaks”. As a result of a string of tragic incidents and scheduling snafus (Somali pirate kidnapping, Cialis clinical trials, Civil War reenactment, sweet tractor pull tickets, super herpes), the Big B bench was thin at best for the contest. The needed minutes were delivered by Ty “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” Sheaks who came through with key goals in the second and third quarters. Responding to allegations that he isn’t the easiest midfielder to get out for a sub, Sheaks responded “The party of the first part hereby requests that party of the second part, henceforth and with all deliberate speed, engage himself in conjugal relations.” Other offensive contributions (and we do mean offensive) came from the sticks of Scott “thinks that fist is a verb” Knepper and Dave “The Other Portly Lefthander” Burgoyne. Burgoyne, fresh from two time and room bullets in Saturday’s PBR matchup, delivered two key second half ground balls under withering pressure from the tallest of the Fratelli brothers. “I thought he was chained up in the basement eating Baby Ruths” Burgoyne quipped. Big D looks to lock up a post season berth against divisional rival North Dallas two weeks from now in Dallas.
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