Austin Trip

May. 20, 2010

Shortly after one of its newest players actually made an ugly in his diaper, the Men of Big D Lacrosse succeeded in curling up yet another foul performance like a Chihuahua on a Persian rug last Saturday evening against Austin Lacrosse Club in Austin.

Observers witnessed a physical contest featuring more hits than a Wu Tang Clan concert, though it would be Big D’s numerous visits to the penalty box that would eventually decide the outcome. Veteran LSM Sam “ODB” Woolford delivered one such body check with a third quarter slide that reminded many of T-Pain’s treatment of the English language.

The final score of the match ignores many of Big D’s opportunities in the offensive end of the field. When asked about missing a ten yard shot on open cage in the first quarter, attackman Baron “Inspectah Deck” Cass remarked “Someone challenged me to produce something more disappointing than Obama’s health care policy and I think I delivered… take that Olberman!”

Rumors circled that the defense was spread too thin within the Big D ranks. Veteran defenseman Jared “Method Man” Venia offered his take on the team’s strategy, “Obviously we weren’t too thin at D since our offense continued to press. If we lacked numbers on D, then the offense would have held for possession like every other team with more than six brain cells to rub together.”

Not all of the competition took place on the field of play. Later that evening, the team would venture out into the Austin nightlife in an effort to enjoy the sights while also avoiding incarceration for outstanding warrants.

Defenseman Carlos “Raekwon” Navarro put on a display of dance that inspired thoughts of either a young Fred Astaire or a bizarre tribal mating ritual. When reached for comment, Navarro explained “I learned to dance after a few overnight stays at the Neverland Ranch… let’s just say that some of that talent must have rubbed off on me.”

Speaking of talent, numerous claims emerged that Venia was actually speaking to a woman rather than simply motioning to the extended cab of his pickup truck. Those rumors are, as yet, unsubstantiated.

The team looks to continue this season’s output next weekend by head-butting the sidewalk.