Cold Winter's Night
Feb 22 – Fresh and rejuvenated from a series of favorable paternity test results, the men of Big D Lacrosse renewed this season’s competitive hostilities against the ecologically threatened Horned Frogs of TCU. Braving both near freezing temperatures and an unanticipated vacuum in team leadership, the short handed Big D squad came away with a well contested tie, due in no small part to team cohesion and the possibility of booze immediately following the match. A voracious team defense was paced by former Central Michigan standout, Jared “Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves” Venia. When reached for comment, Venia remarked, “Back home in Detroit, we used to wait in line for hours to get our lunch rations of rubber cement and dice, it made me hungry. That’s my game, trying to permanently injure people who might actually benefit from a college education.” Speaking of hungry, that’s just the word that Ken “The Manatee” Howell used to describe himself after his lone midfield run of the evening... that’s right, I said midfield. Displaying both the footwork of a Thompson's Gazelle and the stamina of a Staten Island dock worker, Howell dazzled the crowd tallying one goal and one assist. Other offensive contributors included Dave “I Still Don’t Shoot As Much As Boyce” Leach, Kevin “The Esoteric One” Barnicle and Matt “I’m Not Going to Break His Balls Right Now Because I Just Met Him” O’Connell, who overcame a devastating run in with some uneven turf to deliver some measure of legitimate lacrosse skill to Big D’s effort. Team raconteur Sam Woolford captured the moment: “This game was hostile, like North Korea or Little Wayne’s treatment of the English language and there were more hits than a Flaming Lips concert, but in the end we came together and made it happen… I’m proud of our team tonight.”
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