I hear the Sudan is nice this time of year

Fighting the effects of triple digit temperatures with the vigor of a plush, sexually ambiguous World Cup mascot, the men of Big D Lacrosse Club defeated long time rival Austin Lacrosse Club by a score of 10 – 7 in the second of two semifinal games in the Texas Club Lacrosse Championships last Saturday in Houston.  Veteran attackman and south Texas native, David “Kobayashi” Burgoyne captured the team’s rationale for playing in such challenging conditions.  “You tell me… Hey Dave, We’re gonna go outside, in Texas, in June and there’s pretty good chance that something will melt off of you.  Are you in?  The answer is (expletive) yes, it’s lacrosse.  Of course I’m in!”

Offensively, the team was lead by first year attackman and aspiring fitness guru, Matt “Who talked me into this” O’Connell, who contributed two goals on the day.  “He’s got more swim moves than Mike Phelps”, remarked one fan.  “He makes playing look so easy and breathing look so hard”, noted another spicy, 40-something mother of three.  Other offensive firepower came from the sticks of first year attackmen Rhett “I should probably be sweating, but I’m not” Miller and Ridge “500 calf raises a day” Flick who combined for 5 goals.  Flick, who bounced a team high three shots off the goal posts quipped, “I hit more pipes than a DC mayor today, but I kept shooting.  You miss every shot you don’t take… that’s written on my favorite shirt.”

To complement the Team’s offensive fireworks, the defense delivered a gritty performance in spite of the notable absence of 5 of the 8 defensemen who originally committed to the trip.  As always, veteran goalie Craig “Fancy Pants” Thomas brought his “A” game and was quick to put a bright spin on the situation.  “Sometimes I get stressed about adversity, then four or five seconds later, I remember that I graduated from Harvard.”

 After downing the defending champs, Big D looks to capture the cup against Houston PBR on Sunday.

 No, let’s walk down the hill and (expletive) them all…

Continuing a pattern of questionable decision making, the Men of Big D looked to make their mark on the Houston social scene at the player’s party on Saturday night.  After violating the sanctity of a family seafood restaurant, the team descended on Sawyer Park for a fun filled evening of revelry.

Veteran defenseman Jared “The Apocalypse” Venia was impressed with the venue explaining, “This place is exactly like my favorite bar back in Detroit.  The only difference is that this place has a roof and the women don’t have hairy backs.”  Rookie defenseman Heath “Pachycephalsaurus” Townsend inspired the Team, bringing the same intensity to the evening’s festivities that he brings to the field of play.  Veteran bard and team career head-butt record holder Sam “Damnit, I forgot my Ed Hardy t-shirt” Woolford was impressed with Townsend’s zeal.  “He’s got all the potential in the world, with a little work on his focus, he could be the best.  You can’t just roll into a foreign dojo looking to score some nice-nice and sprinkle in a few head-butts in for flavor… it’s a commitment.”

Among the many highpoints of the evening, Rookie midfielder Todd “The Todd” Helman put on a display of dance that would have made even the most dedicated Jersey Shore fan bask in shame.  The ladies in attendance were undoubted moved by Helman’s performance.  “He’s the third sexiest guy I’ve ever seen behind Edward and Jacob” noted one co-ed in attendance.  To his credit, “The Todd” continues to hone his craft.  “I’ve wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer since I was a kid.  Hey Soul Train, I’m ready to take my moneymaker to the big leagues!”, mused Helman.  Rookie midfielder and accomplished ventriloquist Anthony “The Closer” Hidell would do the most to add to the Team’s growing list of accolades as he wooed a personal shopper from The Woodlands.  “She’s cute… well, I mean cute enough.  I opened with some championship game chit-chat, then I let her talk about herself and closed the deal with some Gossip Girl trivia.  She never had a chance.”

The Team headed home early and well hydrated to prepare for Sunday’s Championship Game.

Wait a second, this doesn’t smell like Napalm at all

Battling sweltering heat and the effects of a 3 a.m. fast food run, the Men of Big D Lacrosse brought all the pieces together in defeating Houston PBR 12 – 2 for the Team’s first Championship since 2006.  “My stomach feels like Paul Walker’s career right now, I wish I was back in Detroit”, noted one anonymous Big D player.  Despite the Team’s troubles with elevated temperature and decreased liver function, the day would be theirs as evidenced by the largest margin of victory all season.

Perhaps no player contributed to the victory more than rookie face-off specialist Seth “The Hedgehog” Rattner, who would close the game without a loss in the faceoff X.  Veteran attackman and accomplished ballroom dancer Ken “The Manatee” Howell captured the moment.  “The Hedgehog is more than statistics, he’s a roustabout, a gambler, a face-off shark with the hands of an asian blackjack dealer and the guts of a Hollywood stuntman.  I was just glad to be on the field with him today.”

As he has all season, rookie midfielder and Canadian history buff, Scott “Duct tape and toilet paper” Knepper filled up the scorer’s book with a dazzling array of offensive moves.  “If Scott’s game was a mullet, it would be Jaromir Jagr’s” noted one unnamed league executive.  “He’s so bad he could make medicine sick.”

Big D’s veterans also came to play with workman-like performances from midfielder Keith “Crazy Legs” Hulen and Chip “The Incident” Heimenz.  Rookie midielder Rhett “We aren’t in New Hampshire anymore” Miller watched the game as a result of a contract dispute and offered the following comments on the veterans.  “Keith’s never say die attitude is an inspiration to all players of his age and Chip… wow, Chip played with some fire.  Though I’m legally forbidden from sharing the details of Chip’s past, I will say that he beat those attackman like they owed him money.”

MVP accolades belong to veteran goalie Craig “Fancy Pants” Thomas who announced his retirement in a tearful postgame news conference.  Thomas, who stopped everything from doorstep quick sticks to sarcastic Ivy League comments, summed up his career.  “Today is the pinnacle, just like Slippery When Wet for Bon Jovi, and though I’ll deny all Big D involvement in the future, I’ll  forever remember both the experiences and retroviruses that I’ve been exposed to over the years.”

The Team wishes to extend congratulations and thanks for all who participated and looks to compete for another championship in 2011.

Chomping at the bit from back to back league victories and a recent acquittal on Indecent Exposure to Kitchen Appliances charges, the Men of Big D Lacrosse earned a playoff spot with a victory against North Dallas.  The Team overcame blistering heat and an early three goal deficit in the game, enjoying the first full complement of substitutions all year.  “I’m not a fan of the heat,” observed veteran attackman Ken “The Manatee” Howell, “normally on a day like this, I’d throw Police Academy in the DVD player and chill… but not today… not today”.

The defense led the comeback with inspired performances from veteran goalie Craig “Fancypants” Thomas in cage and Jared “Thunderdome” Venia whose deft stick-handling sparked some electric transitions in the clearing game.  “I haven’t been this hot since 3 for 1 Black Cats and Thunderbombs at my local fireworks stand”, Venia noted.  “I know what you’re thinking… -maybe this guy shouldn’t handle explosives-… I don’t agree.  Look, dolphins are really smart and they don’t have thumbs… think about it”.

Offensively, Big D was paced by Scott “Top Cheese” Knepper and Ty “The Jeffery” Sheaks who contributed two goals apiece.  Sheaks explained, “We unveiled our new ‘Duck, Duck, Goose’ offense today, and to be frank, I haven’t seen anything that successful since George W. Bush’s foreign policy”.  Knepper dazzled the crowd with some slick right to left split dodges.  When asked about Knepper’s effectiveness, one unnamed member of the opposition admitted that he didn’t know that you were allowed to use your left hand in lacrosse.

Many congratulations are in order for the performances of first year players Cody “Hofstra gear” Solaja, Ridge “This is a totally natural tan” Flick and Keith “Weird Science” Hulen.  Thankfully, some of us can retire now.

Big D looks to close the season out with a league championship in Houston later this month.

Now we know what a buffet feels like…

In a performance eerily reminiscent of Def Leppard’s 1987 release Hysteria (the critically panned, yet commercially successful follow up to their 1984 release Pyromania); the Men of Big D Lacrosse Club completed a successful weekend home stand with a 10-8 victory over perennial rival Austin Lacrosse Club.

Offensively, Big D was paced by Ken “Augustus Gloop” Howell whose precision shooting netted 3 goals including the final tally putting the game away with seconds remaining.  When asked about Big D’s beefed up offensive presence, Howell responded “Medium rare… oh, wait… the game, right… I just try to get from point A to point B and make some plays”.  Howell continued, “In these critical games, it’s important to have role players… you need offense, I’ll finish lefty on fast breaks… you need a blistering ride, I’ll finish lefty on fast breaks”.

As a result of a string of tragic incidents and scheduling snafus (Somali pirate kidnapping, Cialis clinical trials, Civil War reenactment, sweet tractor pull tickets, super herpes), the Big B bench was thin at best for the contest.  The needed minutes were delivered by Ty “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” Sheaks who came through with key goals in the second and third quarters.  Responding to allegations that he isn’t the easiest midfielder to get out for a sub, Sheaks responded “The party of the first part hereby requests that party of the second part, henceforth and with all deliberate speed, engage himself in conjugal relations.”

Other offensive contributions (and we do mean offensive) came from the sticks of Scott “thinks that fist is a verb” Knepper and Dave “The Other Portly Lefthander” Burgoyne.  Burgoyne, fresh from two time and room bullets in Saturday’s PBR matchup, delivered two key second half ground balls under withering pressure from the tallest of the Fratelli brothers.  “I thought he was chained up in the basement eating Baby Ruths” Burgoyne quipped. 

Big D looks to lock up a post season berth against divisional rival North Dallas two weeks from now in Dallas.

Like a crack addicted Tarantula on steroids, the men of Big D Lacrosse club unleashed an act of aggression normally reserved for North Korea, jumping on the opposition Houston PBR club like ugly on a Baldwin brother in the 10-8 victory.  With a sideline uncharacteristically filled with live, alert, albeit chemically moderated substitutes, the home squad managed to put together a complete game for the first time in the 2010 season.

 Offensively, the team was lead by attackman Baron “I’ll be there on Sunday” Cass who tallied 3 goals in the scorer’s book.  One scout in attendance remarked, “Not since the summer of 1992 have we seen an athlete perform beyond expectations… you know, when Halle Berry married Atlanta Brave outfielder Dave Justice… I mean, who thought that wouldn’t last?”  Mr. Cass did however provide compelling support for Mean Regression theorists everywhere with yet another missed opportunity on open cage in the third quarter. 

Early fireworks were provided by first year midfielder and former U Penn standout Alan “Sunday Morning Game?  No problem.” Eberstein, who provided Big D with an early lead on two first-half goals.  Eberstein’s dominance drew whispers that the Big D club could face scrutiny in the widening Congressional investigation into performance enhancing drugs, though one unnamed insider assured that the team’s “prescriptions” were filled long ago.  When asked for his secret to success on the field, Eberstein replied, “You just get it wet and pound it.”  Amen brother, Amen.

Saturday also marked the triumphant return of midfielder and face-off specialist Jon “The Manicorn” Rydberg, who spent the last two months of the season on the DL for chronic priapism.  Once again dominant at the face-off circle, Rydberg was a welcome remedy for Big D’s recent possession troubles.

The Preparation H Player of the Game honors go once again to keeper and break-dancing enthusiast Mark Miller who finished the afternoon with more saves than this humble scribe’s TI-85 can calculate.  “He provides more protection than a truckload of prophylactics”, noted one observer.  “I’d trust him with my car, my money and my wife… errr, maybe just my car.”  The team looks to even the season series with Austin Lacrosse Club on Sunday.

Shortly after one of its newest players actually made an ugly in his diaper, the Men of Big D Lacrosse succeeded in curling up yet another foul performance like a Chihuahua on a Persian rug last Saturday evening against Austin Lacrosse Club in Austin. 

Observers witnessed a physical contest featuring more hits than a Wu Tang Clan concert, though it would be Big D’s numerous visits to the penalty box that would eventually decide the outcome.  Veteran LSM Sam “ODB” Woolford delivered one such body check with a third quarter slide that reminded many of T-Pain’s treatment of the English language. 

The final score of the match ignores many of Big D’s opportunities in the offensive end of the field.  When asked about missing a ten yard shot on open cage in the first quarter, attackman Baron “Inspectah Deck” Cass remarked “Someone challenged me to produce something more disappointing than Obama’s health care policy and I think I delivered… take that Olberman!” 

Rumors circled that the defense was spread too thin within the Big D ranks.  Veteran defenseman Jared “Method Man” Venia offered his take on the team’s strategy, “Obviously we weren’t too thin at D since our offense continued to press.  If we lacked numbers on D, then the offense would have held for possession like every other team with more than six brain cells to rub together.” 

Not all of the competition took place on the field of play.  Later that evening, the team would venture out into the Austin nightlife in an effort to enjoy the sights while also avoiding incarceration for outstanding warrants. 

Defenseman Carlos “Raekwon” Navarro put on a display of dance that inspired thoughts of either a young Fred Astaire or a bizarre tribal mating ritual.  When reached for comment, Navarro explained “I learned to dance after a few overnight stays at the Neverland Ranch… let’s just say that some of that talent must have rubbed off on me.” 

Speaking of talent,  numerous claims emerged that Venia was actually speaking to a woman rather than simply motioning to the extended cab of his pickup truck.  Those rumors are, as yet, unsubstantiated. 

The team looks to continue this season’s output next weekend by head-butting the sidewalk.

Contemplating roster wide retirement from the outset, the Men of Big D squandered both opportunity and presumed sobriety in dropping yet another clash with the rival Dallas Sharks.

Jared “Blaster of MasterBlaster” Venia continued a violent campaign against untamed helmet flow with bone-jarring hits and colorful language throughout the contest.  One particularly egregious collision at the 30 yard line came immediately after Venia forecasted a take-out body check at the 25 proving once again that he either left the restraining box early or still can’t count.

Carlos Navarro echoed Venia’s physical play spurring memories of fellow Carly Simon fan and WCW headliner Undertaker with a contemplated choke slam in the second half.  Cooler heads prevailed once Navarro realized that he was about to paralyze a ninth grader.

Offensive fireworks arrived from the stick of Matt “last time I heard 30 assists from the midfield is pretty easy to do” O’Connell who finished the evening with 4 goals and at least one new friend in the North Texas Lacrosse Officiating community. 

The only thing of the field which was more fragile than the integrity of the men in stripes proved to be Dave “No Angle, No Problem” Leach who pulled up lame during a fast break in the fourth quarter.  Leach would later confirm that it was indeed his hamstring and not menstrual cramps.

Big D veterans represented themselves well on the evening with the return of attackman John Newton who took the evening away from Poopies and Diapies to contribute both marginal stability on offense and proof that old people while slow and dangerous behind the wheel can still serve a purpose.

James “Offsides, Schmoffsides” Bartel also came through with the Team’s first goal of the game and an almost preternatural understanding of the strategic nuances of the game.

March 14 – Still reeling from St. Patrick’s Day celebration and an un-diagnosed infection for which penicillin is the only cure, the men of Big D Lacrosse elected to heap yet a little more misery upon themselves in dropping Sunday’s divisional matchup against the Dallas Sharks by three goals.

After an extensive warm-up, Big D jumped out to a quick 1 – 0 lead on the shoulders of attackman Jimmy “Assault and Battery” Bartel.  Not simply content with a positive result in the plus/minus column, Bartel soon responded with perhaps the most gratuitous slashing penalty in recent memory.  The Sharks would tie the score on the resulting extra man opportunity.

The Sharks squad was full of fight and found inspiration in the sweet lacrosse gear they were able to pick up on the internet.  When asked about the Shark decked in North Carolina gear from head to toe, midfielder and former UNC adversary, Dave “BTB” Leach responded that the opponent didn’t recall any developmentally challenged Tarheels on the sidelines during his time in the collegiate ranks.

Defensemen Carlos “Bulls on Parade” Navarro noted “We don’t practice and we’re not in shape, but I’ve got to believe that declining liver function contributed most to the loss.  We got back-doored more than Taylor Rain today, but if there’s one thing the Academy Award nominated film Precious taught me, it’s that the unmotivated and obese can triumph in America.”

Team Captain Ty “Obama+Biden=Awesome” Sheaks brought a more somber tone to the commentary saying, “I know Saint Patrick banished all the snakes from Ireland, but it looks like he may have skipped town with our ability to clear the ball as well.”

The lone bright spot for Big D came from Mark “Lady Gaga” Miller in cage who contributed… let’s see here… six plus… carry the two… a boatload of saves throughout the game.

Many thanks to the new members of Big D; Anthony Hindell, Alan Eberstein and Rick “Unbreakable” Crain for dropping the average age of the roster down below 40.